I would like to build a static website which basically represents a portfolio/resume which doesn't use cookies or third-party analytics and only has a mailto:// for email.
It seems very difficult to find a web host which easily allows me to just have a few static web pages without needing to go through a lengthy understanding of how the CPRA vs CCPA vs GDPR works and what I need to include in a privacy policy or terms and conditions. To make things even more confusing, the web host would most likely have their own analytics or IP logging and so you also need to understand how that affects your website and what you need to explain to the website visitor.
Has anyone had similar issues with this, or have any recommendations on what the best course of action would be to host a very basic website?
If you're not collecting any personal data, GDPR simply doesn't apply, so it's not too difficult to avoid problems.
If you don't use shared hosting, but use a dedicated VM (typical costs start from about €3/month) and configure HTTPS, then your visitors will not be seen by your hosting provider in any meaningful sense beyond encrypted TCP traffic. On your VM you can either turn off logging altogether, or retain basic IP logging on the basis of legitimate interests, which is entirely defensible for security and anti-abuse purposes, though if you're only serving static pages you may as well not bother.
Even if you're serving only static pages, loading client-side content from third party sources can present a problem, so avoid using anything like JS library or image CDNs, Google fonts, analytics, tag manager, anything from facebook, twitter, instagram, etc, though linking to those places is fine. Set very strict CSP and secure referrer-policy headers and don't use any cookies.